Elaine Miller
Part Two of Three in the series "BDSM and Background Checks"
A Why-for on Background Checks in the Kinky Lifestyle
Ever think your new lover should have come with written references and a security check? As any single woman without a black belt and a .45 can tell you, ordinary dating can be a dangerous lifestyle. And BDSM can complicate things further.
Imagine this scenario:
Young heterosexual woman goes out on a first date with a young man. She likes him, he likes her, he invites her back to his place for sex or to look at his etchings or however that goes, she accepts. Although she does not really know the young man, she feels confident in her ability to take care of herself should any untoward situation arise.
Now add in the spice of BDSM:
Young submissive woman meets for the first time with a dominant man whom she's spoken to in a chat room online. She likes him, he likes her, he invites her back to his place for bondage, possibly sex. Does she accept? Although she feels confident in her ability to take care of herself in all walks of life, the reality of being firmly tied to the furniture makes "trust" an issue that springs into sudden clarity.
This is a common issue, that of trust. And it makes a difference whether one is an experienced player contemplating a one-night stand with a hot date, or a newcomer entering into their first kinky relationship. How much do you trust? When is it safe?
A practice that cuts down on some of the dating angst, but not all, would be to have a friend who is a check-in buddy. The young woman in the preceding example may arrange to call her friend at a specific time, and that friend holds information, and knows what to do in case she doesn't make the "I'm safe" call.
It's a good idea, but the buddy system does cut some of the spontaneity out of a scene. One must negotiate the phone call and time thereof, or find oneself in an awkward situation at a bad time.
"Matt can't come to the phone right now. He's all tied up."
"I'm calling 911!"
You can see how this can get out of hand quickly.
One solution that is workable in may respects is that of "asking around." We in effect do a background check on a potential mate or playmate, asking our circle of friends and acquaintances - who form our community - what news, information or opinions they have of a person. (Article Three in this series deals with the details and how-to's of giving references)
It's not an official system, requires a hefty amount of character judgement on who to ask, and how much to believe - and sometimes it works badly - but it is one of the main advantages I see for living and playing within a small community. We can form each other's safety net, woven of information and experience.
Now, just for kicks, envision a third situation:
That same kinky woman, prior to the big meeting, calls a number of trusted friends, and asks if they have first-hand knowledge of "George". And some do. George has a rep of being a safe player in real life, ethical and skilled with ropework. The young woman proceeds to her date armed with opinions of some people she trusts. Not insurance, not a perfect solution, but a help indeed.
Next:
"A Kinky Report Card? Well, he failed his Orals!" When you're asked to spill the beans on a old lover - A How-to on Background Checks in the Kinky Lifestyle.
Part Three of Three in the series "BDSM and Background Checks"
And also:
A Short Explanation of BDSM, Outrageously Simplified and Scandalously Scant. Part One of Three in the series "BDSM and Background Checks"
