Elaine Miller
Part Three of Three in the series "BDSM and Background Checks"
A How-to on Background Checks in the Kinky Lifestyle.
Being approached by someone for a reference on another player may seem a sticky ethical situation, not least when the situation crops up (and it does) that the player in question is someone you dislike.
Here's some things I like to keep in mind:
It's easy to build an opinion about someone from things you hear. And even easier to spread it around. Supposition becomes verbal speculation becomes rumour, and rumour becomes passed on as blithely as if it were fact, and someone's reputation can be ruined by a jealous whisper made in the local bar a week before.
When someone asks you for your take on a person you know, be honest with yourself before you are honest with the asker. What do you know, and what have you merely heard? How is your opinion coloured by your closeness with that person? Are you the type to give a glowing reference on a friend's singletail technique simply because they are your friend, although you haven't seen them play? Or could you find yourself being scathing about someone you dislike personally, who also happens to be a skilled and ethical player?
Here's how to give a reference in one, two, or three easy steps:
1) Fact:
This is often all a person is really asking to hear. You can save yourself some breath and some self-examination if you stick with this part only. An example of a factual report would be:
I have interacted with this person in the following ways:(played, watched play)
This is what happened: _(went well, went fine considering the circumstances, went badly, he's psychotic, run for your life...)_______________
2) Opinion:
I admit it. We sometimes can't resist this part. Examples of your opinion on someone:
I like him, he's sweet, but seems a little absent minded.
I think she's a wartheaded dork, but she really appears to know her stuff.
I get this "feeling" from the person:____________________
3) Follow-up and Hearsay:
Not something I'd normally recommend including in a report, but when the situation calls for it, and your personal alarm bells are ringing, label it hearsay and encourage the asker to find out more. Examples of hearsay:
I have heard some negative things, which I can't verify personally and therefore can't discuss in detail. You may ask further questions of ___(name)______ and ____(name)______ and _____(name)__________.
And finally:
I will also, as a rule, preface any report with a statement on my amount of personal prejudice, which may help my comments be taken in perspective. I think as long as one does not let one's prejudices run rampant, the person discussed is not being trashed, the cause of ethical behavior is still served, and the social safety net that we call a 'community' is working for the good of its members.
See articles One and Two of this series:
A Short Explanation of BDSM, Outrageously Simplified and Scandalously Scant. Part One of Three in the series "BDSM and Background Checks"
Should New Lovers Come With Written Credentials? A Why-for on Background Checks, in the Kinky Lifestyle. Part Two of Three in the series "BDSM and Background Checks"
